Connection Over Performance: Honoring Children's Voices During Holiday Celebrations at School

Holiday concerts, assemblies, and classroom performances are often joyful traditions—but for many children, being asked to perform in front of others can be overwhelming rather than exciting. Loud spaces, unpredictable schedules, bright lights, social expectations, and performance pressure can push some children beyond their capacity to stay regulated.

Supporting children through holiday performances doesn’t mean lowering expectations or removing opportunities—it means honoring choice, dignity, and emotional safety. When families and schools work together, children learn an essential lesson: their needs matter, and there is more than one way to participate.

Why Performances Can Be Challenging for Some Students

Performances place heavy demands on skills that are still developing in many children: emotional regulation, executive functioning, sensory processing, and stress tolerance. Even children who appear confident may experience significant internal distress.

Students with anxiety, ADHD, learning differences, sensory sensitivities, or challenges with transitions are especially vulnerable. Importantly, difficulty with performing is not a lack of motivation or effort—it’s often a reflection of how a child’s nervous system responds to high-demand environments.

A Teacher Perspective: Supporting Students Through Choice

Teachers play a powerful role in shaping how students experience holiday events. While some students thrive on center stage, others need flexibility to feel safe and successful.

Whenever possible, offering flexible participation options can make holiday activities more inclusive. This might include:

• Allowing students to help with decorations or hand out programs

• Offering smaller or behind-the-scenes roles like helping set up the sound system

• Providing alternative activities during performances such as having a table where they help younger children make and decorate paper snowflakes

  
  

For students who choose not to perform, meaningful alternatives help preserve dignity and inclusion. Options might include assisting with setup, helping distribute programs, working quietly on an independent activity, reading in a calm space, or supporting a trusted adult during the event.

This approach communicates a crucial message: participation is not one-size-fits-all. When students feel respected and understood, they are more likely to remain connected and engaged over time.

A Parent Perspective: Talking With Your Child About Performing (or Not)

Parents often feel unsure how to guide their child through performance decisions—especially when balancing school expectations, family traditions, and their child’s emotional well-being.

Start by normalizing choice. Let your child know that some kids enjoy performing and others don’t—and both experiences are valid. You might say, “Different kids feel different about being on stage, and there’s no wrong answer.”

Next, help your child check in with their body. Ask gentle, open-ended questions such as:

• “How does your body feel when you imagine performing?”

• “What part sounds fun? What part feels hard?”

  
  

These conversations build self-awareness and help children learn to communicate their needs.

Most importantly, reassure your child that it is okay to opt out. Many children worry about disappointing adults or getting in trouble. Clear reassurance - “You are not doing anything wrong by saying no”—can be incredibly regulating.

If your child chooses not to perform, discuss alternative ways to participate that feel comfortable and meaningful. Framing these options positively helps children feel included rather than excluded.

Finally, remind your child that choices can change. What feels too hard this year may feel doable next year—and that flexibility is a strength, not a weakness.

Creating a Culture of Inclusion—Together

When schools and families share a common message about choice, children benefit. Offering flexibility around holiday performances teaches children valuable lifelong skills:

• Listening to their bodies

• Advocating for their needs

• Understanding that participation can look different for different people

  
  

These lessons extend far beyond the holidays.

When Performance Anxiety or Distress Is Ongoing

If a child consistently struggles with performances, transitions, or emotionally intense school activities—even outside the holiday season—it may be helpful to take a closer look. Ongoing difficulty with these situations can sometimes be connected to underlying challenges in anxiety, executive functioning, sensory processing, or emotional regulation.

A deeper understanding of a child’s learning and regulatory profile can help adults provide the right supports—at school and at home.

The goal of holiday celebrations is connection—not compliance. By honoring choice, offering flexible participation, and responding with empathy, we create school experiences where all children feel seen, safe, and valued.